Today was interesting. I learned quite a bit about some of the new technology available for those with a visual impairment. I had actually dreaded the appointment, but found it to be very worthwhile. I had the opportunity to explore some new software that will make my life a bit easier.
     I have to admit that although I can be very stubborn, I will adapt.

Knowing your limits

    Well... let's see...it is a quarter past ten and this should be unwind time but I think sleep will elude me. It is not the first time. I am quite the pro when it comes to insomnia. I think part of it is due to the 2 Big M's in my life. Midlife and Menopause.
    I sit here with comfort food as I type. Anyone that knows me will know that maynonnaise is my good friend. I love it! I make this dip with tuna, mayo, onions and other seasonings, sometimes I add a tad of cream cheese, I like to dip sour cream and onion chips in it.
    It was an interesting day. Another great learning experience to add to the book of knowledge. I don't think it will be a best seller by any means but I do think today earned a word or two.  I am not sure I can repeat those words now.
    You ever have one of those days that starts out ok for the first few hours but as the day goes on you are hit with brick after brick of frustration? Yep...that was me today.
    I have tried to rationalize it but haven't been able to. If you see well you may have a hard time grasping this but sooner or later I will find a simile or metaphor to help you out.
    I spent my day exploring a new world on a 7 inch screen with words that appeared to me just slightly smaller than a piss ant. I struggled with contacts, glasses and a hubblescope to no avail. I tried to follow along. The training was good. I understood that. I knew I would like the software coming down the pike when I got used to using it. I could see the value in it.
    I couldn't read the screen or white board used today either. I knew they were friends of the piss ants in my world and I was frustrated and maybe a little angry.
    I had some help muddling through training, but as always I protect the innocent. As time went on, I realized that if some of those I spent time with today did not know I had a vision problem before...they certainly do now. I did not want to accept this at all.
    You know that uneasy feeling you get...like the walls closing in or claustrophobia? I had that feeling today in a wide open room. I felt like I was being studied...and really I am not that interesting. I felt like I was under the magnifier or more appropriately a microscope.
    By end of day as I was getting ready to escape I knocked over a chair. Not good. It is better to fall out of a chair than have to admit that you did not see a chair, especially when you say excuse me because you thought it was a person.
    My friend that tried to help me, sensed a frustrated vibe....and she said maybe a little anger. She said that she could tell that I was angry about the things I could not do myself.
   Yes, it has finally happened...there are things that I cannot do. Never thought I would admit that. I do know I can adapt to many things and am quite capable of doing many things myself but there are times when I have to learn my limits. I am getting closer to that realization and it will be ok.
    As the day finally came to an end I felt like one of the piss ants waiting for the foot to come down, but it didn't. Tomorrow will have new challenges.

     I took a few days off from the Blog. I had a lot to think about and sometimes I like to mull things over before making any rash decisions.
     I will take up where I left off since I had so many inquiries about my stalkers, As you already know, my first stalker wore a very ugly orange hat, my second true stalker had a Hitler mustashe and was an auxiliary cop that I met in my human relations class at Northern Essex in Haverhill, MA.
    Doug seemed like a nice enough guy at first. Friendly, but not overly friendly. I never thought of him as much more than a classmate. He had made a few off-the-wall comments but he was very military and had served for several years, I believe he was still in the reserves. I knew he was approx. 9 years older than I am and that he ran 8 miles a day in a flack jacket.
   I believe he had an obsession with wearing a uniform, power and Hitler and later I learned that he was fixated with the name Cheryl.
    At first I ignored the letters and notes that he wrote, thinking he just had a hard time accepting that I did not want to go out with him. I really believed he was harmless. He was polite, sincere and hardworking...but he was also off-the-wall.
     I finally took notice when my Human Relations Instructor asked me to see him after class. We were required to keep a journal that we had to turn in...I personally felt like this was an invasions of privacy. We were graded on content...what we thought...did....felt and if  the information was personal enough. I thought he was going to lecture me on my content, afterall, unless I chose to share it what business was it of anyone else what I thought or did?
     He took me into his office and told me he was worried because another student's journal was pretty much dedicated to me...some things were nice and some he said were crazy. For ethical reasons he could not tell me what was in the journal but advised me to report it to the police and that he would share some of the journal with them.
     Of course at this point, I did not know that he was a cop and a security guard. This gave him access to information like where I lived and worked. He scared me a few times when I left work and as crazy as it sounds I really wasn't afraid of him.
    He began sending me letters telling me things like the best time he ever had was following me to a movie theatre and sitting two rows behind me...this started to creep me out. My friends, Tracy and JoAnn were already creeped out before the following began.
    When I confronted him about his behavior he was very upset. I told him to please leave me alone. The letters continued. He followed me to the store, to work, on dates and who knows what else. He called and asked me to meet him for coffee, when I refused...he threatened my family. He even began calling them.
    Then it got quiet and I thought he had given up. One evening Tracy and I were at the Feast of the Three Kings which is a street festival and out of nowhere I could hear someone running in hard sole shoes. I don't know who jumped more...me or Tracy. He just stopped and smiled and said hello.
A few days later he stopped by my house to tell me that he met someone....I was SO happy, her name was Cheryl to and apparently there had been a couple before me too. I asked him if it was serious and he said that he was serious. He asked me if I was happy for him. I told him I was so happy that I would buy the ring!

     Ok, I promised to share one of my stalker stories. I actually have two. There is only one person that I am friends with that will know about both of these stories. She shared these adventures with me. My cousin will remember the second stalker.
    For those that don't know it, I lived in Massachusetts for about 9 years, first when I was very young and then again after I turned 18.
    My first job was at The Exchange Network. I met most of my new friends there. Tracy was one of them. We began to hang out and do things. Eventually we  began a ritual of walking around the Reservoir in Lawrence, MA.  We knew approximately how many laps made a mile. It was common for us to walk and talk about the important things in life-relationships, school, work and of course food.
     As we were walking around the Res. I noticed this man was always watching us. He always stood back kind of far away. He wore this ugly...i mean extremely ugly orange hat. Sometimes I would wave...Tracy never said anything. (One of the reasons why I love her! She thought I was nuts and never said a word!)
    Those that know me well...know that I enjoy a good challenge and my God he could stand so still, even when it was cold. New England winters can be cold.
     One afternoon/evening I hollered at him and he did not even respond...now that was a little frustrating but of course that did not stop me. I walked toward him and I finally stood toe-to-toe and faced him. I think we were both speechless or at least I was. He was just mute. Our (my) stalker was a fencepost that's top was painted that nice flourescent orange that roadworkers wear. I choked that embarressment down...but oh...there were many more moments to come.
    Tracy never missed a beat and added humor to many situations. There was a time when some people believed that I could only see black and white-not sure where that came from but I loved it and it began my obcession with the realization that the most beautiful colors are different shades of gray. Only when we are small-minded are things black and white. Tracy has an open mind, beautiful spirit and a heart of gold. Now moving onto the second stalker.
    Stalker number two was real. He was an auxilary cop that I met while attending Northern Essex. I will share that story another time.
  

Heros-denial and humor

     A couple of days ago, I asked you who your heros are. I was disappointed with the number of responses that I received but I was not at all disappointed with the answers I did receive.
     Kathi Ferrall Moore said "My heroes are the missionaries serving Jesus all over the world. They sacrifice so much to spread the Good News. When we get to visit with them, either while they are on furlough or in the field, it's always exciting to hear what God has done for them with so little."
    That is a great response.
    My heros are the kids who are bullied on a regular basis who still have the courage to get up and go to school each day, even knowing the misery and torture that they will probably endure. One of my little heros is the young boy I met last month that had not one but two prosthetic legs. He was still happy and grateful to be allowed to play...the things we take for granted.
    I have another friend, who is fighting a battle with MS. She is strong! Actually she is absolutely amazing! Love ya Libs.
     Most of my heros are those that help others. There is nothing like uplifting another human being and although some have a knack at doing this, it is something that we are all capable of.

    I was on Facebook and found this post on my wall and promised to blog about it. I think there is a strong message here! I am working on it, lol.
    Another friend reminded me that technology has allowed most of us to become less personal in our relationships. Sometimes it cuts out the real conversations that we all need. For important things, face-to-face is best. We need to remember that we are all people with feelings...ok some have more than others.
     Did you know that guacomole looks alot like lettuce when it appears on a plate? Maybe it's a green thing. In closing, I will tell you that I once was stalked...by a fence post but that is another story for another day.

    

Heros---who is yours?

     I have learned alot the last few days about people in general. Almost everyone I know is stronger than they think they are. When faced with sadness, heartbreak, unsurmountable challenges and even devastating losses that are unimaginable...most people will bounce back with a little time and understanding.
     These are the people that teach us life's lessons. They have the heart, determination and compassion to help others in ways they themselves do not even realize. These are the people that should be our heros, not the movie stars and celebrities.
    My life has become richer because of some of the heros I have met over the years. Many gained strength through their trials, but I grew stronger because of them.
    I could go on and on and before the week is over, I am sure I will. I want to hear about your hero's. Are they the military men and women who serve this country? Did you have a mentor? Who taught you with patience and understanding that the world is not black and white? Afterall, the most beautiful colors are shades of gray.
    Take a moment or two and tell me who your hero's are.

Not sure why I started the blog

     I have been very fortunate all of my life. I never read a blackboard or film strip in school. My friends and classmates helped me because I was always in trouble because I couldn't see them and we would go around the room and take turns reading out loud. I could not have played sports if my teammates at Taft did not help me memorize the eye charts. I learned then that it was something that I should hide.
     My world opened up a bit when I got contact lenses at 14. I saw my first fly.  For years I did everything I could do to hide my vision problem. I got by for years. I was in college before I needed to do something about reading print. Of course I thought a new presription would fix the problem. Seemed simple enough, but within two weeks of seeing the opthamologist I received a strange letter. It was from the Massachusetts Commission for the Blind. They also sent me a nice little blindness certificate. I just didn't have the heart to frame it. I think someone was trying to tell me there was a little problem.
     Every few years I would notice that I lost a little more vision, but for the most part it was gradual and I adapted sometimes without knowing it.
     I have experienced more changes in my vision and I actually spoke to a vision counselor.
She needed to know about things I have a hard time doing. She needed at least 3. I told her reading would be nice. She asked me to give her more information about some of the things I struggled with, I had to remind myself that she was only referring to my vision or I could have given her an earful...I struggle with man's inhumanity to man, hierogliphics and the list goes on and on...but no she wanted to know more about the secret.
    I had a hard time with this...afterall...I worked so hard to hide it. She suggested that I talk to my friends about this and see what areas they thought I struggled in....boy, they told me...just kidding. I want to protect the guilty. One in my group of friends was very hesitant, afraid that I would be angry or upset because she said my biggest struggle was with DENIAL! You could have heard a pin drop.
     Apparently, I slipped up somewhere and things were becoming more noticable. I had never really thought about denial. I just considered myself stubborn. I was glad she had the guts to tell me what she thought. Part of me decided I had to face it...but I did not have to embrace it!
     That evening, I learned alot about myself and how others viewed me. I had failed in concealing all of those things I did so well for years. Curbs were becoming and issue, depth perception was interfering with my mobility and the list goes on.
     Since then I have learned that clear drinking glasses and straws are not my friend unless I enjoy constantly mopping the floor and cleaning my sinuses with a tubular piece of plastic, I can get around this easily with a few minor changes. You should not have Lysol, Raid and Hairspray in the bathroom at the same time or your hair may be germ free.
     Crushed red pepper and cinnamon may look similar but that is the only thing they have in common.  A fluffy dark t-shirt does not a cat make...watch what you pet! I could tell you more but I have to save some humor for later